Clocking Out

A Joyous Luxury

I just recently started a part-time job where I clock in and clock out. As someone who has worked for herself for the past 2 decades, clocking out feels like a vacation. It means I can leave the work at work. I have never had such a luxury as an adult.

Working for myself definitely had pros: Set my own hours, work from anywhere, more money making potential. But it also has cons: burnout, no PTO, no insurance provided. It also comes with a severe case of urgency.

I am a hard working woman. At one point in my life, I owned a studio where I managed all the administrative tasks, the books, bills, marketing, teaching and staff. On top of that, I managed my own career as a performer and pushed myself to innovate and bring something new to the world of burlesque. I also curated and produced events at my own club and other venues in Chicago and beyond, in addition to fostering a dance company of 12-20 dancers where I held rehearsals, provided act development and choreographed big group dances. Multi-tasking doesn’t seem like a strong enough word for all the hats (literal and physical) that I was wearing.

My thought at the time, that in order to manage all of that, I had to be available 24/7. I would answer emails and texts at all hours because I never wanted to miss an opportunity. As an artist, our currency is opportunity. If an email goes unanswered, that’s money on the table and that is something I didn’t think I could afford.

As you can imagine, I suffered some spectacular burnout. I started hating my work and resenting everyone that asked anything of me. I felt like a cat mom with all her little kittens sucking at her teet! My well was empty and I was exhausted.

This caused me to close the club, the studio and disband my dance company. Those were such difficult decisions but I knew I had to focus on myself and my health, as that amount of pressure and stress was taking its toll.

I still continued to run a business and productions throughout Chicago and various cities but I don’t know that I ever fully recovered. Until now…

I am building a new life in New York. I’m stepping back from things that do not feed me. I’m saying no to BIG opportunities that my younger self could never imagine saying no to. And you know what? It feels amazing! And also telling. Realizing that I would much rather work my part time job than do a gig, was some important ‘data’, as they say.

The luxury I have now is that I have a little money coming in and it gives me time and space to move with consideration. I still want to be a mover and a shaker, but now, I get to move at a healthy pace. Urgency isn’t ruling my strategy. I’m not coming from a place of scarcity. And while I’m not coming at this new chapter with financial abundance (yet), I’m coming to it with the abundance of space, time and clarity. My focus isn’t muddied by the pulsing panic about paying bills.

I am so incredibly grateful for this moment. I continue to learn so much about myself and about how I like to work and more importantly, WHO I like to work with. I have no space for negativity. I desire to be among inspiring people who dare to break their cycles and plunge themselves into their next life with equal parts knowing and unknowing.

In the back of my mind, I think of those looking in from the outside and what they might think. They might think, ‘What a fall from grace.’ And I smile, because I don’t feel that I’ve fallen at all. This is the rise from the ashes. It does not matter to me what others might think, because I know what I think and I know my experience. I am clocking out at my job so I can clock into my life.